Lawns
I'm disgruntled. Extremely.
Look, for most things, applied intelligence and diligence results in success. Can't cook? Be logical, practical, follow the instructions and hey presto - food that doesn't kill you.
Can't play an instrument? Learn how to read music, take a few lessons and step forward as, well ok, not the next Chopin but someone who can knock out 'happy birthday' at least.
But gardening? Nothing doing. I'm currently contemplating a withered money tree as I type. The tree I bought because it is "zero maintenance" and "extremely hardy, happy with any treatment and environment". The poor thing is both balding and at a drunken angle, like a Leytonstone Wetherspoon's regular. I followed this up by killing some Aloe Vera to my mother's bafflement ("How did you kill a cactus? they're indestructible. What did you do to it? How? etc.) and some cress. Cress, for god's sake! The stuff you grew on damp kitchen towel when you were in playschool!
At the moment we're trying to revive the lawn. If we don't our landlords will get in a gardener to do it and charge us. If that sounds harsh then you haven't seen our garden. So I bought some moss killer/grass feeder and joyfully sprinkled it about, humming 'we plough the fields and scatter...' feeling like some child of nature. It worked. A week later all the moss was dead. Unfortunately this left us with a load of earth. All the green stuff that we thought was grass had been moss. All of it. A few scraggy bits of grass were trying manfully but it was a losing battle. So I raked and sowed some easy/quick grow rugged lawn seed, ('rapidly produces tough, verdant' etc.) tapped it in, watered and waited. And waited. And waited.
Nothing. Nada. Not one new blade of grass has appeared. We still have a lot of the brown stuff hanging about instead. We're going to have to pay that damn gardener.
But do you see? The only thing I did successfully was to kill off some more plants! Moss, in this case. No matter how carefully I follow the instructions (and I really did try with that money tree) and how logically and sensibly I approach the matter, I will never be a gardener.
So, I hereby state, that for the good of all Flora, I shall hang up my gardening gloves, put away the seccateurs and softly close the shed door on my rake of broken dreams. sob.
posted by Shizue @ 10:55 PM
7 Comments:
Well, you didn't listen to me did you? I doubted it would work from the minute I saw the front of the lawn seed box with the description "Family Lawn" emblazened above that awful picture of the happy suburban family - mother, father, blonde haired girl and pet dog all with sickening smiles on their faces, sat smugly on their far too green looking garden. I'm sorry Becky but the reason our lawn is not growing is obvious - we bought the wrong box!
Grass is over rated. As soon as you get it you'll be wanting to cut it, then you'll never be free. Better to quit while you're ahead and not have to worry about spending a month of Sundays shovelling green sludge out of the bottom of your flymo.
Woah, Dave, you're freaking me out here. Of course it makes perfect sense that you would find your way to this site seeing as there's a link on my page, but I can't cope with all this cross-over of friends. I have a tidy mind and can't cope with clutter. Go and sit in your box.
Anyway, Ms Blogger, just add a few garden gnomes and a wishing well. It'll look FAB.
It's growing... growing I tell you!! Little iddy biddy shoots are protruding from the soil. I saw them today. Oh glory be!!!
it's your soil, mate. has to be. you need to check its PH and dig in the appropriate compost all over, or possibly just a few tons or horse shit nicely rotted down. If this doesn't work look for local sources of pollution such as leaking oil fired central heating tanks.
to kill a lawn, sprinkle liberally with salt.
Don't you people listen to Gardener's question time? meg lets me have a radio in my box, you see...
PH? What's PH? What does it do? Is it safe?!?
Oh God! And where do I get a horse to poo from? Can you buy horse poo? How do you get it home. Are you allowed to take it on the tube?!?
Your PH is the acid/alkali level of your soil, just like on your johnson's skincare bottle. Different plants like different soil. Now hose poo you buy from riding stables, and if you're my dad you bring home twenty plastic sacks of it in the boot and backseat of the car, and get a bollocking off my mother when she returns home from sitting in a traffic jam with only the lingering smell for company. However, if you are carless, you might get it from say the stables next to lea valley ice rink and take it home on the bus. they can't stop you taking it home on the bus, but enough for a whole lawn might be a bit heavy. otherwise, try to get someone to lend you a horse and keep it in the back garden for a week.
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